Welcome to the ultimate reality show: My house. We're an eclectic community of 20 Older Men, living together in what the city euphemistically calls "Affordable Senior Housing." If you were casting a show called The Last Stand of the Slightly Grumpy, this would be your setting.
Some of us are trying to enjoy retirement (I assume), others are still grinding away, and a few are hanging onto public assistance by the skin of their teeth, praying the landlord doesn't remember their last name. It's high-stakes senior living with a daily dose of high-octane drama.
🚗 The Great Transportation Gauntlet (or, Why I Charge Tolls)
If you still have working wheels—even just a slightly deflated bicycle—your options in this world are vast. But for those facing mobility issues? Their life is a costly, inconvenient slog. It's all expensive Ubers (which, let's be honest, they shouldn't be spending their fixed income on) or the begrudged generosity of neighbors.
I can't even count the number of free rides I've given—and I regret every single one. Especially the one time I drove Davy. The car still smells like a forgotten attic and a stale pack of Chesterfields. I swear I saw the paint peeling off the interior.
🛋️ The House Heroes and Homebodies (The Unstoppable Force of Laziness)
Big Earl (The Cable King): Complains about his bad back 24/7, which is a shocker, as his job consists entirely of guarding the remote control. No wonder he needs senior grocery delivery; the journey from the couch to the fridge is his Mount Everest.
Davy (The Social Worker's Best Friend): Our champion homebody. His personal hygiene is so legendary, only brand-new Uber drivers will risk picking him up. Word is, if his Social Security check dried up, he'd be the guy playing guitar in the subway tunnel. (The betting pool is currently open.)
Lenny (The Biking Gourmet): Our local hardware store lackey. Lenny commutes on a bike—a fact that is instantly undone when he gets home and settles in with a six-pack for dinner. With his two surviving teeth, he’s in desperate need of a senior dental plan (or a heavy-duty food processor).
🩺 Health Scares and Scars (The Fiascos That Get You Hospital Food)
Carter (The Scooter Commuter): Gets everywhere on his electric scooter, blazing past the two guys who are still brave enough to take the main stairs (a FIASCO waiting to happen). His chest scar from open-heart surgery is a terrifying badge of honor—at least it finally scared him into quitting the smokes.
Tommy (The Mumbling Mystery): Post-stroke and constantly deciphering anything Tommy says is a high-level diplomatic mission. If it weren't for Dick driving his sorry butt around, his elderly care situation would be the next Netflix true crime docuseries.
Sal (The Hip-Breaker): His legendary, late-night fall (a broken hip, naturally) was the most exciting thing to happen here since the last time the fire alarm went off. He came back from rehab a 30-pound lighter shell of a man (zero smoking or drinking allowed—the inhumanity!). Now hobbling with a cane (or sometimes a broom handle), he still manages to orchestrate weekly cigarette and beer runs. A true survivor—and a true pain.
In total, 25% of us require some sort of walking aid. And yes, a week after I moved in, some poor soul died in his sleep. I could go on, and on, and on, but if you’re anything like me, your Attention Deficit Disorder is screaming that this post is getting criminally long-winded.
So, let's grab a coffee. I'll continue this incredible story next time... after I find where I set my keys.
TO BE CONTINUED......
